Imagine . . .

Imagine a male youth who has reached the moment of nascent manhood when his testicles descend. The right nut successfully completes its descent, swinging low and glorious like a bulbous pendulum.

But whilst the right bollock dropped, the left one began to shrink, the skin shrivelling upwards like the legs of the crushed Wicked Witch of the East.

End point: one engorged dangling testicle and one wrinkled, tiny prune-nut. Now imagine these devil-balls have been castrated and strung up from a length of rope. And a friend of yours has hung them from the rear-view mirror of their car like a pair of novelty dashboard dice.

The revulsion - the confusion - the horror - you would feel entering your friend's car to see this for the first time is exactly the sensation I felt watching Adam (Max Mayer, 2009). What perverted, peanut poop brain decided this was a good idea?

Unfortunately I missed out on checking out Antichrist but I'm willing to bet it wouldn't have inspired as much disgusted bile as this. Because at least Antichrist seems to know it's unpleasant and upsetting. Adam had the audacity to present itself as an innocuous film-going experience. Promotional adjectives include 'heart-warming' 'inspiring' 'gentle and touching.' It gently cracked open my skull. It touched me by raking its dirty fingernails across the surface of my brain, till little clumps of cerebral viscera were trapped there.

A little bit of context: Adam tells the story of an attractive, supposedly kind and well-adjusted primary school teacher (Beth) getting into a relationship with a man (Adam) with high-functioning Asperger's. They meet, he bluntly states "you sexually excite me" and then "oh, have I upset you? I have this thing called Asperger's. It means sometimes I says things people find upsetting." Then she - an educated 30-year-old woman who has managed to reach this stage of her life without so much as hearing of Asperger's - reads a book on the syndrome and they commence sexing.

Let's charge past the dubious depiction of the syndrome the movie proffers (Hollywood has a history of fuck-bucketing its treatment of mental illness) and accept that Adam basically acts like an extremely loquacious, space-obsessed six-year-old. What kind of a woman would get into a long-term relationship with this man? She's not depicted as being emotionally maladjusted or mentally impaired. Surely she must recognise the fact that he never knows what she's thinking or comprehends the basic nuance of her speech means their relationship is doomed to failure, and that someone with Asperger's would find this inevitable break-up potentially life-destroying? This would suggest she is an enormously selfish bitch. But does the film acknowledge this?

No. Because mental disability is cute, kooky and fun. Asperger's is so totally hot right now! Dating someone with Asperger's is a sexy new adventure, like trying Tae Bo, or learning to cobble.

There is another explanation which would pardon the movie. The fact that he is basically an overgrown six-year-old and she is a school teacher could mean the film is a subtle exploration of a latent paedophile (her) seeking to fulfill her lust for premature loving in a socially legitimate fashion. He's no kiddie, but he's the best I can do and not go to jail. Unfortunately in order for this to be the case the movie would have to presuppose that all primary school teachers aspire to pederasty, and this is almost as obnoxious and offensive a notion as the actual movie itself.

In case I am not clear here: this is a wretched, weeping pustule of a film.